The Ramblings of a Housecat

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Muffin-Willow on holiday


Hi there Muffin's readers,

Muffin-Willow is on holiday until Monday 27th of November.

She'll be back to amuse/insult you then!

Ian & Donna xxx

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Free speach banned!


Miaow dearest reders.

I am having to blog from Ian's PSP today, Ian and Donna have banned me from blogging. This follows posts being rude about Americans, sexual inuendo, religion bashing, global warming and on-line Pharmacies. What happened to free speach? I remember the days when I could call a Mouse a Mouse, not a vertically challenged Gerbil! mew.
Fear not, readers, my blog will continue, even if it involves posting from a dodgy Internet cafe full of spamming Russians! I will not be Silenced!!


Love and Purrs,

Muffin-Willow

Monday, October 16, 2006

Global warming. Evidence: Proff Muffin.


Miaow my avid readers,

Mew all, trust you are all well, good! Miaow. For all those sceptics on global warming (read: USA Administration) I would ask you to review the chart relased by the U.K Met Office today. In plain human terms, it shows what you are doing to the planet with your mass burnings of the rain forests, and reliance on fossil fuels (although please dont turn the central heating off!! miaow)
The red line indicates the anomalies from the May to September average temp from 1659 to date in the UK, Those with sharp cat like eyes will notice the large fall just prior to 1700, this period coincided with "The little ice age" when the the UK had a climate more akin to my homeland of South Norway. There are few periods of sharp rise in temp in this series... until you hit the late 1980's, gawd guys, the anomaly line is as vertical as Ian's wedding tackle on a Sunday morning, mew! This rise is even faster than was predicted when global warming first came to the publics attention in the 1980's, For your Childrens sake, and all middle aged arthritic cats ACT NOW! support renewable energy, recycle, respect the planet, we all share it, it's not the property of the Human race! Hiss.
If your reading this Mr George Bush, you know climate change is inevitable, your denial of it is based on nothing other than the need of your insular country's massive need for Oil (did that have a bearing on your invasion of Iraq, methinks, Miaow) You call your self the leader of the worlds only superpower, if that's the case lead by example!!!!! mew, I'm furious! Anyhoe, must dash, gotta turn the central heating on, mew.

Love and purrs,

Proff Muffin-Willow xxx

Sunday, October 15, 2006

XBOX saga


Miaow devoted readers,

I trust you are all well? everyones fleas, worms, and STD's cleared up, hmmm? good, mew! Another lazy day for me (for a change) Donna went to Lamport Hall to a craft fair (Ohh, mew, posh or wot?) So she left at 930am, Ian crawled downstairs with another migraine and fed me. It was cool and foggy so relieved myself then retired back to bed with Ian, I'm sure my mewing worked wonders for his migraine, as he got up an hour later! maybe I have the Kitty healing touch? Ian went out in search of a new joypad for his Xbox, the left trigger failed yesterday, and despite Ian's usual ambitious repair attempts (read: prise open with screwdriver, shake it a lot, attempt to re-assemble, throw in bin!) we were joypadless, mew! how could we finish Half Life 2!!
Anyhoe this left me with the run of the house, I could of run riot, but, hey, I just fancied a snooze, mew. Ian got home with a new Joypad (a tacky chinky cheapo knock off job) around 3pm, and Donna returned an hour later (not from the craft fair, but a school auction) nothing for me, just some prezzies for Abi, and a tacky red gingham cushion for the sofa, gawd.. I'd seen enough, and retired to the patio to enjoy the late evening sunshine. Auntie Lizzie called 9ish, but only spoke to Donna! hiss, Ian was back in bed with a migraine. I'm perplexed why she didn't ask for me! after all I am the second most senior household member, mew! So a bit miffed about that! As I write, Ian has just got up (pointless, it's bedtime soon!) and Donna is trying to extend her Uni essay from 1000 to 3000 words by adding it's, but's, and's etc to bulk it out, mew, hopless! Well got to dash guys, just off the pester Ian for food, Miaow!

Love and purrs,

Muffin-Willow xxx

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Gravity (Muffin conundrum 1)



Miaiow dearest readers,

Today I'm starting my conundrum posts, which will be a regular feature (maybe, mew) on my blog. These are questions that have mystified even cats throughout the last 120 years.
Anyhoe, suppose I could dig a hole from the North Pole to the South pole and dropped a dumb dog in the abyss, what would happen (other that a visit from the R.S.P.C.A!)
I assume the dog would fall at first, reach terminal velocity, then speed up even move under the pull of the earth's gravity. But what would happen when Fido reached the centre of the Earth? would it stop? or would it continue past the centre of the Earth towards to the South Pole? Upon the assumption that as it moved further from the Earths centre, gravity would slow Fido down, and would reach a halt for a fraction of a second by appearing feet first at the South Pole, then the process begins again. Would Fido spend eternity repeating this journey? could this be perpetual motion?
Any comments from scientists welcomed, Chavs need not apply, mew, hiss!

Love and purrs,

Muffin-Willow xxx

Friday, October 13, 2006

Valium, Xanax, Dr Muffins RX advice


Miaow dearest readers, a change from normal today, as I introduce more "special posts" I trust you will enjoy them....Hissss!

Suffer from p3n1s problems, cant satisfy your woman?
www.ukmedix.com Uk pharmacy, all legit guv!

Anxiety ruining your life, for Valium and Xanax try the fab guys at Pharmaenergy
www.pharmaenergy.com shipping from Germany, 4-6 days, semi legit cheif

Looking for hard to find medications? such as Dormicum, Codeine etc Try Online-pharmacy.cc
www.online-pharmacy.cc shipped from Argentina, kinda legit Officer (ahem!) delivery 10-20 days. Customer service is excellent.
If you do vist a site, please say Muffin sent you!

Disclaimer This information is for educational purposes only, and is not intended to replace the advice of your Primary care provider. Muffin-Willow does not endorse any of the listed companies, and is not affilliated in any way (other than payments of introduction commision), drink in moderation, always tie your shoe laces, and never leave a burning candle lit at night!

Disclaimer Ian and Donna disclaim any responsibility for Muffin-Willows Blog.

Love and purrs,

Dr Muffin-Willow xxx

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Black Witch Auntie Lizzie visit!


Miaow dearest, loyal readers,

Mew all, still feeling a bit groggy today, but getting back to normal, thanks for asking!! hiss!
Auntie Lizzie came to vist from London today, and true to form, bore gifts for yours truly! (she has a rare blood type, and goes to sensible lenghts to avoid a cut jugular! mew) A box of Hi-life 60% real fish was a delight to snatch out her hands. It was such a nice warm and sunny afternoon, we all dozed on the patio, and indulged in the magic weed (Catnip!) I tried to draw a picture of Lizze for you, I'm not sure it's accurate, I still feel doped. I know your all thinking "she looks much better than on her last picture" mew, perhaps she's had plastic surgery?. Anyhoe gotta dash, my butt wont lick it's self! mew

Love and purrs,

Muffin-Willow xxx

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Roofies


Miaow my beloved readers,

Well, mew, the last few days have been a blur! I dont really remember much since the weekend. I was met by Ian and Donna this evening upon returning from an unsuccsesfull hunting trip (my reflexes are still not 100%, mew) with the most far fetched tale since John Prescott said he was an avid flower arranger! Two cats? mental illness, CCTV, scheming cat!? I was perplexed. Anyhoe, for my peace of mind I took myself to Key Vet (on Donna's AMEX of course) Following a full examination and blood test, I was declared mentally fit, yaaay! But of concern, traces of Rohypnol (I believe the street slang is Roofies) were found in my system! miaow! Had I been drugged with spiked Whiskers Cat Milk? by oohh, another household member? or just happened to find one on the floor and mistook it for a small white Pringle? I am open minded, I'll let you folks make your own minds up..hmmmm? In the interest of household peace, I am dropping the matter. Cant wait for tommorow, Auntie Lizzie is comming up to visit me and Ian, SHE always brings gifts, and hence is normally welcome, mew!
Well must dash kitties, just have time to pop a worming tablet in Donna's Horlicks, mew!

Love and Purrs,

Muffin-Willow xxx

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

CCTV solves Muffin-Willow mystery!


Hello, all of Muffins readers, we are again having to 'stand in for her' today, due to her absence. But at least the mystery is solved! Myself and Donna decided to Install CCTV in the garden to monitor Muffin's movements, the results were a revelation!
Muffin-Willow has been leaving the house in the morning, changing into a tighter fitting catsuit, and support briefs to make her butt appear smaller, then comming back into the house posing as her cousin Miffim-Wallop, the process it repeated in the evening in reverse! Why you may ask? Well, as me and Donna see it, it's to have a Kitty laugh and play us other off against each other. Muffin is very rude to Donna, and worships me, Miffim...well it's the reverse. This way Muffin is able to get twice as many rude sarcastic comments in a day! This cat does not suffer with any mental illness, but is just as cunning, scheming cat as you could ever meet (but we love her to death!)
We will confront Muffin upon her 'return' we cant wait to her her explanation, I'm sure you will hear all about it on her post tommorrow. I wonder if we can get a refund on all the extra cat goodies we purchased when we thought we had two cats?

Love and purrs

Ian and Donna, on behalf of Muufin-Willow xxx

Monday, October 09, 2006

Norweigan cat stud


Miaow my little kittens, trust you are all well, no furballs, Fleas, Ticks or Lymes disease? good, mew! Well settle in your favourite spot for my latest juicy Kitty news.
Sorry my Blog was written by Ian and Donna yesterday, hope it didn't bore you too much, but I was indisposed, Miaow!
Recently I have met a red hot stud-muffin of a Tom called Thor, I first saw his hunky swagger on a web cam from Longyearbyen in Spitzberen, my delicate refined side was replaced by the chav-cat within us all, and I mewed " I'm gonna shag that tom" So anyhoe, armed with Donna's Gold AMEX, I flew business class from Luton Airport to Bergen (paw room sure is tight with BA, even for a size 6 Kitten like me, mew) then an internal flight north to Longyearbyen. It didn't take long to find Thor, there must of been 20 floozie Kitties following him around town, tarts! Hiss! But as soon as he saw me, he only had eyes for me! I think my pink spangled hotpants first caught his roving eye! (pity about the -24c windchill though, mew!)
Well he invited me back to see his etchings at his swany pad, sooo kewl! all blue shagpile and green Lava lamps. We chatted about his work, he works as a mouser at the docks, hasn't seen one yet, but you never know! Imagine now if you will, waves crashing onto the beach in a 1950's movie, to save me the embarassment of describing what happened for the next 4 hours, meeew!
To ensure Ian and Donna cope on their own, my cousin, Miffim-Wallop, who just happens to live here, has been kind enough to commute daily to the UK to keep an eye on them!
Well must dash folks, my tongue is still frozen to this lampost..mew mew!

Love and purrs,

Muffin-Willow xxx

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Cat Schizophrenia?


Hello Muffin-Willow's Dearest Readers,

We are having to write Muffin-Willow's blog today, as we believe that:
a) she is suffering fom Cat Schizophrenia
or
b) we now have two cats - although we never see them both at the same time!! Muffin-Willow AND Miffim-Wallop
and
c) we can put the record straight about the kebabs (no we weren't confined to either the bed or the toilet!)

Muffin-Willow disappears after breakfast - alledgedly to Longyearbyen to her new boyfriend Thor Love-Thunder-Hammer (Muffin first noticed him when she was viewing the Most Northerly webcam!) Shortly after, in through the patio doors wanders Miffim-Wallop, Muffin-Willow's lovely "cousin" from Longyearbyen. Then at dinner time, off goes Miffim and back comes Muffin!! Confused? We certainly are!!!!

Muffin-Willow is on great terms with Ian and totally rude about Donna (what, you hadn't noticed!!) and Miffim-Wallop is so lovely and polite to Donna and is even tolerant of Ian!!

It is very strange and confusing, given the fact that we never see them both together. They are more like identical twins rather than cousins. Although I would say that Miffim has a slightly more streamlined butt than Muffin - but that may just be a trick of the light.

Is anyone aware of any means of testing for Cat Schizophrenia and, more importantly(!) do you have a cure? Or DO WE HAVE TWO CATS!!

Hopefully Muffin-Willow will be back tomorrow!

Errr, Love and Purrs,

Umm? Muffin-Miffim-Wallop, Oh, we give up! xxxx

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Blue Movie!


Miaow dear readers,

Mew all! super quiet lazy day today, Ian and Donna suffering the inevitable outcome of their misadventure with Chav Kebab and chips, and appear bed bound for the day...Yaaay, mew! (thank gawd the plastic bin bags saved the bathroom, dont ask about the duvet, mew, phew!) So I had the run of the house, fridge, phone, you name it, to myself today (still no third item broken! mew, claws crossed!) After a long snooze on the leather sofa, followed by a bout of banter with those darn Doves, I decided to settle down and watch a video. Full stocked with nibbles (Pringles, Prawns, Smoked Salmon, and Tabasco sauce) I mooched through my video collection....wow!! found an old Adult home movie that me and Tom Cat made in the spring (any kittens reading, please log off now please, it's past the watershed dears, mew!) My it certainly got my kitty juices flowing I can tell you, had to cover the sofa in plastic bags to keep it dry, mew,mew! Dug out my favorite pink toy, ya know gals, umm...sorta Rabbit shaped, ya follow?? mew! A very pleasant hour followed, had to gag my mouth with Gaffer tape to avoid alerting Ian and Donna though, maiowyoooo, yisss,yisss, yissss!
Anyhoe, I'm over Tom Cat now, got a new real studmuffin of a Tom, long distance relationship though, but lust conquers all, mew! Blossom is welcome to Tom Cat, he's a mangy, flea ridden, two timing love cheat! But boy was he good in the bedroom department, meeew!
Anyhoe, gotta dash folks, cant keep this Video on pause forever!

Love and Purrs,

Muffin-Willow xxx

Friday, October 06, 2006

Chav Kebab


Miaow avid readers,

Miaow, nothing broke today! our dysfunctional family crisis is over, Miaow! To celebrate (and avoid using the oven...just in case, mew!) we decided to forgo our normal Tesco Finest ready made meals for tea, and join the massed ranks of Chavs and indulge in Kebab roll an chips for supper (I declined the Kebab, I at least have standards, mew! and had CO-OP Turkey on the bone, miaowlicious!) Ian and Donna wolfed their kebabs, and declared them yummy, gawd they were even sober at the time! mew. The heartburn is setting in now, food poisioning will not be far behind, yuck! Anyhoe, must dash, just gotta line the bathroom floor with bin bags for the inevitable eruptions to come, mew!

Love and Purrs,

Muffin-Willow xxx

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Broken Combi Boiler


Miaow my little Kitties,

Well they say bad things happen in threes, mew! got my claws crossed that the third thing doesn't involve food! What with the weather being so chilly today, Ian thought this a good time to give the brand new central heating a good run out and check for leaks etc. I was over joyed, and curled up under the lounge radiator, mew! Unfortunatley the Combi Boiller ran for 20 minutes, then cut out! thermostat warning light on, miaow, woe! I must admit the radiators were so hot by this point I had scalded my tail, meyoowl! Daddy rang for a repair bod to come out....gonna be a long wait, just about everyone else in the UK had tried their central heating over the last couple of days, and they were stacked out with service calls, mew, double woe! The Thermostat light wont go out, so it's no hot water either (that doesn't worry me!) I have hibernated to the lounge chair to avoid frostbite, and am keeping out of Ian's way, (you can tell when he's really mad, he just keeps very quiet, rather than spout endless bullshit, mew) With any luck, the third bad thing wont happen! Hope to post more postive news tommorrow, mew!

Love and Purrs,

Muffin-Willow xxx

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

broken bed


Miaow my curious kittens,

Cold and windy today, spent all day in the armchair snoozing, I hate the wind, it ruffles my new cut and blow dry too much, mew! I seem to be sleeping more and more these days, old age? Donna drugging me with Valium? or just the weather, only the Cat Gods know the answer.
My snoozing was disturbed at round about my Turkey treat time (8.00pm) when a huge bang from upstairs turned me from sleepy Kitty into a sprinting Panther (after I had Put my Nikes on, mew!) on the way upstairs, I could hear Ian and Donna talking in disbelief that the bed had broken....well...the images in my head were of two naked sweaty Minky Whales naked on the bed! To my surprise, both were full clothed, and the bottom left of the bed was at an angle resembling a dislocated paw, miaow! It turned out that Donna had sat on the end of the bed, and CRASH, it gave way (thank the lord I wasn't on it at the time, mew!)
On close inspection Ian or 'Dr Bodge job' as me and Donna call him, established one of the side batons had snapped, resulting in the collapse of many cross slats, and a a pile of sheared off 2" wood screws, miaow, woe, were would we sleep? After a ciggie and a coffee 'Dr bodge job' went to repair the bed structure, he called for his tool kit, (a BAD sign!) and asked to be left alone (he is getting quite stroppy at the moment, mew!) well an hour later, and 20 x 4" wood screws lighter, and covered in 'No More Nails For Wood' He came down stairs, and calmly announced the bed was fixed (But not to manufacturing specification, mew how the fear hit me!) Me and Donna checked it, it seemed OK, in fact, more sturdy that pre-collapse! The real Test will come tonight!
The moral of this story is DONT BUY FLAT PACK FURNITURE FROM ARGOS, IT'S CRAP! Well must dash folks, just gotta help un-glue daddy from the sofa, mew!!

Love and Purrs,

Muffin-Willow xxx

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Raunds Northants (My Manor!)


Miaow my little furballs,

Just a quick post today. For all of you who dont know where Raunds is, I have enclosed a map, so you can feel closer to me when reading my Blog! Raunds has a population of 8,800, most of them inbred so local folklore has it, mew!
Raunds main claim to fame besides the drunken teenagers outside the Spar, is that it held the UK official highest recorded Tempreature at 36.9c from 1911 until it was beaten by Cheltenham with 37.1C in 1990. (The current record is 38.5C recorded in Brogdale in August 2004) It is also the only place in the UK to record the Highest and lowest tempreatures any where in the UK in the same year! mew wow! The Met office station closed in the 70's, which seems so unfair, hiss! So people like me and Daddy keep the flame burning with our amatuer weather stations. Anyhoe, gotta dash folks, time to read the rain gauge, and check last nights grass minimum...Ohhh a Cat as a deputy observer! I'm so proud, miaow!

Love and purrs,

Muffin-Willow xxx

Monday, October 02, 2006

Birthday Cat


Miaow my dear friends,

I am rather devestated today, it was my 7th birthday on the 29th of September, and everyone forgot! (including me, mew!) Ian and Donna have promised to make it up to me at the weekend, and Auntie Lizzie sent an Email wishing me a happy belated birthday..Miaow!
To be frank, birthdays are no longer the ball of endless wool they used to be, rather a time to pretend I like the god damn awfull gifts I receive (last year Donna sent me a plastic ball full of ground glass!) that soon found it's way into her morning salted Ready Brek I can tell you! mew!
Seven is a hard age to be, your Kittenhood is behind you, and on your eighth birthday you become eligible for 'Senior' cat food, mew, sob! It's rather like you humans finding out your old enough to go on SAGA holidays! Well must dash, the old arthritis is giving this middle aged cat hell today, maiow!

Love and purrs,

Muffin-Willow xxx

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Weather report September 2006


Miaow my little kittens,

Being the first of the month, it's of course time for my 'I'm not just a pretty face post!' so anyhoe, prepared to be thrilled by Ian (and mine, I'm deputy observer dont you know! mew!)

YET ANOTHER recorded breaking month, Miaow! The UK as a whole recorded it's Warmest September since records began, following the same feat being achieved in July this this year. Provisional figures from the Met Office advise the CET (Central England Temp) which covers a triangle roughly defined by London, Bristol, and Manchester equals the previous high, set in 1729. This is the longest series of climate records in the world. Miaow, I think global warming may be true after all! mew (must stock up on bikini's!) Here in the South East Midlands of England we recorded an average maximum of 22.0c, and an average minimum of 13.5c. This was our warmest September on record (our records only go back to 1992 though!) and the first time that we have recorded a warmer September than the preceeding August. It's really turned Autumnal the last few days, Miaow, I wonder what October will bring?

Love and Purrs,

Muffin-Willow xxx